Ideal ways to debate/argue with people

I moved out of India at the age of 18 years old and took my first flight of life to a continent totally different from what I was used to. In those days, being a young and rather immature person I had so many things to learn and one of them was the right way to speak to people. Fortunately, I was surrounded by many students from different countries and from them, I learnt the art of polite way of communication. I most certainly try and practice it always even though at times the rudimentary habits do kick in which is not good for me and others. However they have influenced my communication skills in a big way and now I realize the importance of starting my requests with “can you please” more than anything else.

One of the things I did get to do with most of the people I met was to argue/debate with them regarding their views on many things in life, be it mundane stuff like which weather does someone prefer to why this world may not necessarily be a nuclear weapons-free world any time soon. The thing I have noticed is that how people end up making simple mistakes while talking or arguing about these things. Its one thing to want to talk and exchange ideas, but its another thing to do it in a polite and correct way where both the sides end up more knowledgeable from the discussion.

First thing is, please listen, it’s a debate and not a speech by you, unless and until it is actually a speech by you. There is no point in only one person speaking while others listening because even though it may feel like you are being very knowledgeable by speaking a lot, chances are that many are just listening to you out of politeness and not really caring about what you say.

Second thing which is a continuation of the above point, please don’t talk over someone else. That takes the debate nowhere when everyone is speaking over each other or for that matter one person is doing it to other. Not only does it show disrespect but also bad manners on one’s side.

Thirdly, I have noticed how many of the people these days seem to read up a lot on the internet and then form their opinions. Then armed with this knowledge they go out and try to test their theories; but when they are doing that, its more of an exercise to prove why their theory is right and others are wrong instead of actually taking that opportunity to take in the others views and correct and improve their own theories. I know a few people who do this a lot more than others, when you offer a counter argument or counter evidence to them, the criteria for the evidence suddenly becomes stringent and you end up thinking how is that even right? For me, when I have to come at a conclusion or decision regarding, say a certain political system, I read up on the internet about why it started, why it propagated, what are its failure, what are its advantages? Having read that, I will always take it with a pinch of salt because if I am reading it from a source which is in favour or against the system, their opinions will be coloured in that fashion. After that, I generally prefer to interact with as many people as possible and know their opinions and the reasons for their opinions. I will try to know opinions of neutral people (if they exist in this world). Having done that I will see if I can find any common point in most of the sides of the arguments and then think that a certain observation/conclusion is highly likely to be true. Of course there are many other ways to do it and to each is his own. However, what I find annoying is when the “intellectual” people having read one side of story go on about it and then refute any evidence, arguments that go against it by saying it doesn’t meet their imaginary criteria. One may say that these people are narrow-minded, or not so knowledgeable but the problem is sometimes they may not necessarily be that, its just that they don’t know where their mistake is. Hence maybe this might give an insight to the problem.

The fourth thing that I want to mention is that there is also a certain group of people who already have made certain assumptions and they want to talk to you just to confirm that assumption. Of course they have an open mind and then are willing to change it if you give them another compelling argument but what they don’t realize is that certain assumption can be offensive to certain people. Like this as an example, being an Hindu I have been asked this question a lot – “do I drink cow’s urine?” You may be surprised but it has been quite a conversation opener for many people in different cultures to whom I have been their first Hindu exposure. There are two ways to ask this question – “Do you drink cow’s urine because you are a Hindu?” or “I am sorry but I don’t want to offend you, I have been under the impression that Hindus drink cow’s urine because of their religious belief. Is that really true?” The second way even though is a longer way to get to the point, it shows that you are genuinely curious and not just assuming something and in fact shows that you are wanting to know the truth and not just wanting to confirm what can be a rather offensive stereotype. Just a bit of words play can make a lot of difference at what we are to achieve. For the record, my family has neither drank urine nor made me drink it and I won’t ever drink it by myself as well. 

Even though I say the above things and probably they may seem too obvious, mistakes do happen. I do realize that there is a lot of cultural difference and not everyone may agree to what I say. All I am saying is that if I were to be involved in an argument, I would prefer simple rules like above to be followed. I am certainly open minded to know any more rules/protocols/cultural modes used by others while debating/arguing as well.

What I wrote above is from my experiences and the points above are just my opinions. J

Signing out!